My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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