I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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