just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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