Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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