So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
