I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize