No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
