he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
3pm strippers are depressing
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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