I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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