i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
