I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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