if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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