I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
