Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
