I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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