you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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