those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He had one of those small greek statue penises
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
