My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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