Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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