my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize