Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
