took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
