I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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