So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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