can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
