im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
