his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
