You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
