idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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