Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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