I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
