Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
