i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
vagina is talking i cant
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
