My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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