Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
