The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
