She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
