Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
