I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My breasts were aching with rage.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
