Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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