if i can run in heels then i can drive
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
