RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize