Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
