please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
