Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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