Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
