P.S. I can't hear my feet
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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