the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
