Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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