I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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