just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
