i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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