So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
