he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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