Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
