Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sponge bath it is.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
