I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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