is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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