so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
