Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
