as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
