I should be sponsored by Trojan
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
