If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
