Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
