Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You dont lie about slip and slides
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
