oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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