I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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