Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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