I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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