i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
