Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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